Significance

 "I'll have the 6 oz. sirloin, medium-rare, with the scallops.” A restaurant close to most of our group was the chosen locale. It was good to interact with high school and college buddies who have been there in significant points of my journey. Soon we were savoring food prepared according to our requests. Men leaned in as a few in the group shared about trials of recent days. It was good to be among friends that showed through attentiveness and nods of understanding that they cared about each person verbalizing personal and recent experiences.

Seated around the table that night was a CEO of a not-for-profit, a web-developer who sang at my wedding,  a medical doctor who has earned the respect of many patients on the west side of Indianapolis,  a pastor of a large multi-site church walking through a difficult transition in his own life, and an Eli Lilly engineer who was leading a team to eventually be able to implant a pump into someone’s noggin to  provide the brain with a medication to fight against a terminal disease.  Well, you know I was seated there too….  I change diapers well and keep my kids rash free most of the time, flip thin pancakes on Friday mornings, unload and reload the dishwasher daily, fold clothes on “leave a legacy” levels, and make sure Wednesday night meals are "to die for" when Sarah comes home from work.

As I listened to my friends converse, more potent than the taste of the food or rich camaraderie, to me that evening was the need for each one of us to feel that we were making a significant contribution. Engrained in most healthy, well-adjusted persons is a desire to be remembered for something good and noble by the next generation, and that desire must be managed well. 

All who know the men mentioned above discern they have reached a level others would immediately identify as “success.” And, they’ve made sacrifices for the attainments in their professions. I know the admonition that one is to never compare, but I came home that night not only encouraged from being with great guys, but pained because I wondered if I was leaving a visible mark anywhere -- feeling a little like I’m wasting away making sure I make it to the next Tae Kwon Do or ballet class, while warming up a bottle in case I need to feed a baby.  I told Sarah all about the feelings when I got home, and she listened….  My own little identity crisis….

I find these principles to be powerful when I struggle with my identity, and by no means is it an exhaustive list.

Be authentic…

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Dr. Seuss

 “Do not let your peace depend on the hearts of men; whatever they say about you, good or bad, you are not because of it another man, for as you are, you are.” Thomas a’ Kempis, The Imitation of Christ

Authenticity is strengthened when I embrace my current circumstances and responsibilities and tackle them with my own personal flair. I think I’m becoming more and more comfortable with my personal motto being, “What you see is what you get.” God didn’t call me to be anyone else, so as Kierkegaard once said, “And now, with God’s help, I shall become myself.”

 Be dead…

It’s not ultimately about my desires, my dreams, or constructing a personal destiny. Actually, it involves surrender to a higher purpose while striving to take the next obedient step. Even though I’d like to be the provider in our family, at present I surrender to fanning any flames of nurture and empathy that exist in my soul.

 Jesus died and lived this principle as well. “I tell you the truth, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” John 12:24

You and I must die well to live well. When I die to longings that are destructive for me, there is no telling what may multiply from the act of obedience. As a stay-at-home dad, I’ll need to die to some desires. But, I’d be dying to other ones if I were building my professional resume’ as well.

Be humble…

 A few quotes about humility that I like are…

“If you compare yourself with others, you may be bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.” Max Ehrman

 "All through history God has chosen and used 'nobodies,' because their unusual dependence on Him made possible the unique display of His power and grace. He chose and used the 'somebodies' only when they renounced dependence on their natural abilities and resources.” Oswald Chambers

I wish I were practicing more reliance on God while tackling the challenges of consistently offering guidance to three preschoolers that I adore -- just because they are my kids. Though it is a privilege to be with them a majority of the time, it is also humbling, based upon traditional and cultural expectations of a “man.”  Difficulty arises when I wonder why I’m not developing expertise outside the home when my buddies  are out achieving what I consider significant accomplishments.  So, I tell myself, “Swallow…. It’s OK for right now….”

Be connected…

Easy, right!? Nope, not even with all the gadgets we have to stay connected.  When a person benefits from rich conversation and interaction that boosts and undergirds his/her sense of worth, now THAT is a gift to treasure.

I would suggest that most important in a person’s sense of significance and identity is a devotion to God Almighty that results in a feeling of "belonging” or “connectedness” to Him. There’s a certain sense of completion in that.

Yet, often, love from God is expressed through people. There are plenty of needy people around each one of us. Someone has said, “If you don’t like your lot in life, build a service station on it.” If you find a place to serve, it will aid in helping to feel connection. If I’m not called upon to do what many would consider to be “important,” then I can volunteer at the VBS where my kids attend, hand out flyers at the church door to make people feel welcome, or even teach my kids’ Sunday School class -- it all serves to connect me with my kids and with others.

C.S. Lewis said, “I become my own only when I gave give myself to Another.” What I notice about that quote is the "Another" is capitalized. A sense of connection to others and life begins with God.

Be grateful…

Many would trade places with me in a heartbeat. Thankfully, I wouldn’t be so quick to trade my privileged position anymore. Life is often spent pining rather than accepting and finding internal gratitude in a season of life.

Two verses that come to mind about being grateful were penned by the Apostle Paul, when he was writing the Philippian church. He wrote, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4: 6, 7) You and I are exhorted to take our heartfelt desires to God. When we express them, it tells us to offer the requests with thanksgiving, or gratitude. I find that giving thanks while I pray helps my perspective as I reflect on what God has already done. I also step toward the future in grateful hope that the Lord is working for my own good, as He has already promised.

 Can you and I measure significance, impact, or the size of a footprint a life leaves behind? I think that you and I will be amazed when we see what God considers to be significant. For now, I choose to be authentic, dead, humble, connected, and grateful.

Blessed or Cursed?

Christmas is over and people are returning to stores, exchanging gifts or taking advantage of after- Christmas sales. Dads and moms are turning their focus to packing up the tree, lights, wrapping paper, and tinsel for next year before the New Year’s regular pace resumes. What an incredible time of the year to savor moments with family and loved ones we hold dear to our hearts!

At the turn of a New Year, I find myself thinking about what the twelve months ahead hold and all that I want to accomplish. While pondering where I am in life and experiences of the past, a thought surfaces: “Aren’t the times we think are the most cursed, truly the most blessed?”

Think about it…

That’s what I’ve been doing today, and that thought comes back to me…repeatedly.

I still remember being fresh out of college, with absolutely no experience one would deem necessary for youth ministry. Full-time ministry, in a downtown church in Canton, OH, was a struggle after leaving the close friendships of college life. I learned to be faithful to what I sensed God wanted me to do, though much of the time it felt very unpopular. When you lead in any endeavor, it can be challenging to filter out the brashest voices of disapproval. And for the next two years, I prayed for God to help me to love the battle. But when I announced my resignation after two years to pursue a ministerial education, it amazed me that the youth I served showed brokenness at my parting.  Could I have been a blessing amidst days that I thought and felt were an absolute curse in my life? Nothing against some of the great people I was serving and with whom I served! My eyes failed me in seeing what God was accomplishing amidst the personal pain of dealing with the pressures of youth ministry.

Later, my pilgrimage led me into international missions where I served in Mexico for a few years as a single missionary. It was faith-forming to trust in Biblical promises that I tried to apply to my life, when I couldn’t figure out why an “all powerful” God wouldn’t see my need for close companionship. I was so thankful for a buddy who gave me a calling card to make the thousand plus miles disappear, at least a little, when I called my parents or other close friends. At the time, it was a trying existence as I struggled to communicate in Spanish, with ease, from my heart. Opportunities for deep relationships that could lead to a marriage were unavailable. The loneliness of those years, when I wasn’t able to talk to people in my heart language, wasn’t what I’d describe as healthy. The situation left me void of sensing blessings that were obvious. But, in our weakness, God is strong! I’m still in touch with many of the youth I served in that church in Irapuato, a city of central Mexico, and it still thrives as a place where lives are encouraged and transformed. Since I experienced a prolonged singleness, it gave me backbone for waiting in other seasons of my life. Humiliating experiences outside of my own comfort zone have provided backbone to endure through subsequent challenges. So, was all that I experienced a curse or a blessing?

At present, I’m a stay at home, full-time father. Friends with career success have told me that I’m in a privileged position. Most would consider a season of life without employment that shoulders the bulk of the bills in a household, a curse. The obvious blessing is that my wife has a job that cares for the financial obligations. We’ve learned to live at a much simpler level and practice thriftiness. We plan to invest and give at higher levels when greater employment opportunity comes along. Paramount in all of this -- I’m sensing I TRULY am blessed. I’m beginning to give up my angst about professional development and surrender fretting about the unemployment to God. After all, I’ve heard that He works for my good, and HE makes even what you or I might consider to be a curse, an incredible blessing. Looking forward to 2012!

Convinced -- that if I prevail, in faith, through the seemingly unfortunate experiences of life, even greater benefits await me on the other side. The greater the misfortune is felt, the greater the chance that perseverance in faith can turn the season into unimaginable blessings.

Do you feel cursed? It may be the door to your greatest blessing.

Romans 8:28  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Grappling With Being a Stay At Home Dad

Sarah doesn’t love going to work when most mothers have the opportunity to stay home with their children. When asked if she feels bitterness toward me, she says she struggles only when I whine about having to stay at home, when that is something for which she longs. Her efforts to provide aren’t a negative experience for her, except for my derogatory comments about my current lot in life- full-time fatherhood.

Allow me to share a few of my internal struggles:

-          It is difficult for me to separate myself from the traditional understanding of the man of the house being the provider.

-          Since I have a driven and competitive nature, hearing of my friends’ accomplishments in their careers doesn’t always result in rejoicing. I’m happy for them, but I long for impact from my occupational pursuits as well.

-          The wide-scope of my employment history has never resulted in a specialization in one area- which honestly, probably would have bored me to tears. Yet, I long for the seemingly significant contributions of peers who exemplify expertise in a field of service.

-          Dealing with working buddies, who seem so detached from the internal war of feelings, who dismiss my inward groans by saying, “I’d give anything to be a stay at home dad.”

-          Since Sarah’s “part-time” work is meeting our current need, it seems naïve of us to move unless I feel the Lord’s finger in my back.

-          Selling our home in this economy may result in a significant loss.

-          It is difficult to not feel that my work skills may diminish as I stay at home with the kids. One finds that just living offers opportunities to grow, not excluding full-time fatherhood. So, I’m hoping I’m growing in my patience and in relating to people through my involvement with my toddlers.

-          Seeking out the next open door is a struggle since I have no idea when God wants me back in the work force and very few opportunities even fit in a situation where a large segment of the population is looking for employment.

-          Trusting that God is guiding every step, and actually resting in that belief, feels like naivety, on my part, in a culture that encourages a person to get out there and make your dreams come true.

-          In Sarah’s and my case, it does not feel like any job will do. We both sense it should provide enough for the kids’ childcare. And, we don’t think it is worth putting them in childcare unless I’m convinced and psyched about joining the cause that provides the paycheck. We are also praying for the caregiver, because if a job comes along, we want that person to be top-knotch.

These are just a few of the issues with which I’m grappling through this long season of unemployment. I continue to lean into promises from the Bible, about how God guides EVERY step of His children. That’s where I want to rest. Believing that HE has great blessings in store for those who trust HIM, is what I choose to believe.